My story::::B.C.

Many of you who read my blogs are people who know me, or have known or met me at some point in their lives. Just because we talk, doesn't mean you know me, who I am, who I've been, or what I've been through. I'm sure most of you see me as this "religious" married mother.... Some of you may remember me as the girl that was barely in high school, or the boy crazy smart overachiever middle school girl, or some of you now know me as the church going woman I am today. But all of this is only bits and pieces of what has made me.... And what is still molding me and changing my life by His grace and power. I don't tell everyone I know my story, I am sure not everyone is interested. But I believe our personal stories can be of help to others and I have no reason to be ashamed of the mistakes I've made.


I was raised "Catholic". Not a devout catholic, but I did get "baptized" by the sprinkling of the water as a baby, did my first communion, and attended church on special occasions. We were taught to believe in God and Jesus but I never knew what it meant. We owned one bible that was open in the house to Psalm 91 as a form of protection I believe. I remember praying occasionally either the Lord's prayer r Hail Mary. Religiously, all I knew was that I was Catholic. I didn't know what we believed or why we believed it. To me church was boring and the attitude I was taught was that if I believed in God and did good, by living a "morally" acceptable life then I was okay and for sure on my way to heaven. My family was all catholic and I believed we were all good people.


It wasn't until my aunt had been invited to a little Pentecostal church that we started discovering something different. Here she learned about a personal relationship with Jesus, accepting Him as Lord and savior, the power of worship,  taking the Bible as His word and actually studying, getting to know it, and living by it. Also the importance of prayer and being able to have that direct access to God as His children. This amazed me! This meant not confessing my sins to a priest or believing the Pope was a higher power. But that God loved me enough to be able to have direct access to Him through His son Jesus which was more than just a guy nailed to a cross hanging around my dad's neck. My sister was the first one in my family to start going with her and it must have been around the age of 11 I started going too.

I was in 6th grade and was always known for being "smart" and gifted. I had this arrogance about me that I was unlike the other kids and I hated authority. Somehow though, I liked the attention I got for getting straight A's, taking advanced classes, and being part of a bunch of clubs and joining a lot of educational competitions. I loved that my parents and teachers trusted me as a mature responsible young lady. I was as good as could be. Until I met or was introduced to my first "boyfriend". In 6th grade, before my parents knew that I was even into boys or before I even knew what that consisted of. This boy and I would spend hours on the phone...and he even became my first kiss. This boy was older and apparently had a reputation for being a "player" and what I thought was cute puppy love was about to get me into all sorts of trouble. I was clueless as an 11/12 year old girl. I had girls at this school coming to fight me and to stand up for myself I got into all types of fights. I never started them but they were always about this silly boy. Apparently he was cheating on everyone.... And I was also getting a quick introduction to race issues at this predominantly black school. Some girls had issues just because he was black and I wasn't. Thankfully after 3 huge fights at school I never got suspended. After a couple of months with this guy, I realized he was a player and wanted more than just the "kisses" he was getting. I broke up with him but this was just the start of my double life.

I continued to excel in school. My teachers and parents trusted me and I couldn't be any happier with the new found friendships and attention from boys I was getting. I met my next boyfriend in 7th grade. This to me would be the real deal. Seems I was always looking for love and to be the center of attention. This guy was sweet, a good student, a soccer player and at the age of thirteen I finally asked my parents if I was allowed to "go out". They met him. I met his mom. And we were allowed to go out to the movies or little places as long as we were in a group or my little brother was our "chaperone". I thought I was in love. I wanted to spend all my time talking to this guy or hanging out with him. Seems he felt the same. He was very thoughtful and wrote me notes, got me presents and I felt wanted. I also liked that people knew me because I went out with this 8th grader. I remember not liking or trusting many girls at the time besides my close classmates. There were rumors that all these girls liked him and were trying to get him to break up with me. I remember hearing that he cheated on me with girls who were way more advanced than me and as long he promised me it wasn't true I'd believe him. I'm pretty sure he was cheating on me because these kids those days were doing a whole lot more than just kissing or holding hands. Yet I chose to stay in this relationship. Being raised to do "Good", I never wanted any more out of the relationship than kissing, but boys at this age were looking for more. Eventually, we broke up. I don't remember exactly why, besides the fact that rumors were starting to bother me and I was getting more attention from other boys. Then summer came.

That summer I took going to church seriously. I started going to church with my sister and hanging out with her youth group. I was invited to a special event at some church bigger than ours and that night I heard the gospel being preached. Its not like I hadn't heard it before, but this night I felt a pull towards the altar when they made the call to accept Jesus as a personal savior. I wanted HIS love, I wanted to have this relationship with HIM, but I didn't really feel I needed forgiveness. After all, how much bad could I possibly have done at the age of 13. Looking back at it now, I didn't really want to LOVE HIM, or change my life, I just didn't want to go to hell. And the youth group at church was always a fun time. Back then I believed I was saved by HIS grace and didn't think anything was required after salvation.

I did enjoy going to church and learning more about the Bible. I loved the new friendships, the music, the Christian concerts, the activities we would do. I wanted to be a Christian, but I wanted to be a normal teenage girl. I started 8th grade with all intentions of being better and leaving all my boy craziness behind. Instead, my double life continued. I can't say I gave Jesus my heart, I just wanted heaven, yet through His grace and mercy, he had already started a work in me. My heart was still in need of something to fill it. I still liked the attention. I was being drawn to boys, and the title of boyfriend no longer mattered. If I had a crush, I didn't mind "Kissing" them, I didn't even care if they had a girlfriend or not. It seems the previous experiences of being cheated on or not liked were turning me into this person who didn't mind guys cheating or was purposely making girls not like her. I was also already seeing drugs and sex amongst kids as if they were no big deal. Now I know it was always God's grace that kept me from trying drugs or sex. Things were great. My teachers and parents had no idea. I was trusted. I was getting more freedom. I was "saved" and believed I had a free pass to do anything. Yet somehow I was disliking myself more and more and what scared me was that the number of boys I kissed would make me feel ashamed and dirty, and boys were no longer just looking for kissing.

me above 2nd from the left pictured at worship practice

Thankfully, 8th grade ended. And I chose to go to the same High school as my sister. This way, I'd be more in control of my actions. I would never want my sister to know me for being all boy crazy. The summer served though for me to evaluate my actions,  and my relationship with Christ. We had new pastors and newly refreshed youth program. I felt I was learning and growing more. I joined the worship team, went to bible study, prayer meetings and felt God wanted more for me than just the crazy things I was getting myself into. During the summer it was easy to stay out of trouble because I didn't really hang out with anyone from school. I was happy this new  high school wouldn't have anyone from my middle school follow me and my old reputation or crushes could be left behind. I was determined to follow Jesus at all costs. I wanted so much to not be in need of attention or relationships to validate me.


Read part 2: http://theworldaccordingtomeli.blogspot.com/2014/09/my-story-part-2-broken-love.html?m=1