High school started with me trying to follow Christ and be different. I was meeting new people and had the chance to change myself without any one knowing me. But I can say I still truly hadn't surrendered my pride, my needs or my heart to Jesus. The minute a cute guy told me he liked me I was back to wanting a relationship. It was a battle wanting to live a life free of sin and dealing with the real world and high school and all the temptations it had to offer. But I kept on going to church, learning more of the Bible.... And I kept on longing for a relationship, with respect and no cheating. I wanted love.
A couple months into high school, I met my husband as most of you already know. He was so different. He was a senior and more mature than any guy I had dealt with. He was a great student. He was friendly, outgoing, respectful and didn’t have a “player” reputation. We became friends. We ate lunch together everyday and we had so much in common. He was a believer too, and that was a plus. I loved our friendship. This was the first time I felt I really got to know a guy before developing a “crush”. It was more than just physical, this time I was in love with everything about him. There’s so much you learn from spending time just talking. One day he walked me to class and we kissed. After all those months of friendship. This kiss felt like my first kiss all over again. It swept me off my feet. It felt real. Different. Pure. Loving. Not just someone trying to get more of out of me or pressure me into going further. This time I wanted things to be different. I wasted no time introducing him to my parents and meeting his family. We wanted things to be done right and not have anything to hide.
Soon, just a couple months into my relationship, my church fell apart. My pastors stepped down and there were a lot of things I did not understand. This church was everything I knew. I stopped going and eventually, my relationship and daily pursuit and communication of God was gone.
Life got interesting. Emerald and I married in our teenage years. I graduated and we moved out on our own. I got a great job. He was working. I was working. We were both loving each other and loving life. I was married, I was loved, I was living the dream with my high school sweetheart. He was everything I ever dreamed of, everything I envisioned. I loved him with everything inside of me. We were both working hard to build our lives together but with God out of the equation we quickly became everything for one another. A form of idolatry. It was the us against the world mentality. So many people had negative things to say because we were so young.
I was also meeting new people. It was hard for people to believe a 17 year old like me could be married and out on her own. This seemed to bring extra attention upon myself from different guys. I didn’t know then It would still be my downfall. There were also those voices, that asked why did I get married so young, there’s so much more to experience, and like I said before it seems me being married was something guys were attracted to.I ended up putting myself in situations only the grace of God could have gotten me out of. It wasn't that I didn't love my husband or that he was lacking in any of his duties towards me, but my need for attention and that feeling of being wanted was making me selfish and taking me places I never thought Id be capable of going. It would always start with an innocent friendship at work, then the text, then lunch. Things are never as innocent as they seem. Especially for most single guys. How much respect could I get though? These guys were older the age of 17 and 18, I was stupid and naive. I put myself in dangerous situations, times and places I could have been raped. This wasn't middle school anymore where a guy just took me out to lunch for a kiss. But even with my back turned to Him, God protected me. Immediately I felt ashamed, dirty and knew I didn't want anyone else but my husband. Feelings of stupidity, shame and dirtiness came back again. I confessed to my husband and by the grace of God he was willing to understand me and forgive me. We were going to keep at it. Marriage was too important to us to let go now. I loved my husband with all of me, I didn't want to hurt him. I never realized how selfish and sinful I could be.
The one thing I admired the most about this man was that he forgave me and kept showing me that love. He never shamed me or made me feel less. A couple months later we were expecting our first son. But through a c-section, my husbands unemployment and us moving back with my parents, things were about to get hard. Our love was stronger than ever or so I thought. Its always such a happy time when you're blessed with parenthood. We were getting to know each other so well, on a whole different level. But the pressures, the stress, the finances, the crowded house, and the new born baby were going to push us to another extreme.We continued to be each others all, best friends, always spending our time together. There was no way there could be trouble in paradise. But our love for each other wasn't enough to glue us together. We didn't have God to guide us or lead us. Eventually we were invited to church and now that Emmanuel was older we figured this was a great time to start seeking God.
I'll never forget a September night when a prayer service was scheduled. Somehow, it turned into me being tired and created a huge argument between us. He went alone. That night he prayed and felt God tell him it was time to come clean about things he had kept from me. He came home and told me he felt he was ready to tell me some things I may not like. My husband, my love, the fairy tale highschool sweetheart story I envisioned was falling apart. He had betrayed my trust with someone who was like a sister to me. I felt disgusted. Broken. Alone. Betrayed. Stabbed. It felt like death. I knew he was telling me the truth to get it off his chest expecting the same forgiveness he had offered me many times before. Except I didn't care to forgive. I wanted out. I couldn't process my thoughts, my emotions, my anger, my unwillingness to forgive. However, I was relieved to find out that none of it had ever been physical. Being at my parents house, and being unsure of how to process my feelings, my emotions, or a decision on whether to forgive or move on as a divorced single mother at 21; I kept quiet. I was falling apart. Everything I'd known for 6 years, all the sacrifices, everything we'd been through, all the plans... I wanted to let go.
Thankfully that week happened to be prayer week at the church we had been attending, all ending with a women's conference that weekend. Every day that week I left my job to go to church and unable.to pray I'd just sit there and cry. On my way there, I couldn't even listen to the radio. Every song I heard whether a love song or a song about betrayal. I shut off the radio and just questioned God. How could this happen? How could they do that? And for the first time in my life I audibly heard God's voice. As clear as a passenger in my car I heard Him say: "everyone will let you down, but I'm here! stop looking for a perfect love, when I love you perfectly and I'm waiting for you patiently." This that felt to be the worst of the worst, my ending, my rock bottom was about to be a new beginning......
(To be continued.......) read part 3....
http://theworldaccordingtomeli.blogspot.com/2014/09/my-story-part-3-whole-new-world.html
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