In the Dark

So unless you live in a bubble, we are all pretty aware of the state of our world right now. Global     Pandemic. I am sure one day we will refer back to this period in time as pre-Coronavirus or post. I actually joked that this time will be referred to as the blip. It was supposed to be spring break celebrating Manny's birthday in Disney with my brother and wife. Instead, everything has shut down from school to my job, and the only person who braves the outside world is Emerald on quick grocery runs or to go to work as he is considered "Essential".

Since schools closed and the numbers of positive went up in our county, I quickly realized the gravity of the situation. Perhaps it doesn't sound as bleak when its far from home. Its not like it hadn't been affecting China since December. But having to screen our patients, and hearing stories of those close to us who work in healthcare deal with these patients made it real. All of our sports being canceled mid season, church streaming online and restaurants and movie theaters shutting their doors all of a sudden set in a new reality. Last week work was nothing but normal as I used gloves and masks to register patients and yet I'd rather do that then be told work is closed indefinitely as our governor has shut down "elective procedures" in order for the supplies to go to the hospitals where they are needed.

Its been a whirlwind and I feel I have all of a sudden ended up in the dark. Because If anyone knows me, they will tell you celebrating Manny's birthday is the kick off to SPRING my favorite season. and that as an enthusiast, nothing excites me more than looking forward to the spring break we planned, seeing friends in person, going to church and being surrounded by people and community. & dealing with the disappointment of all those canceled plans and unknowns that await are a punishment added to telling me to stay at home. Because I am not a home body...….

But I get it. I understand why & it has been my mission to be a law abiding citizen.
- it has also been in my heart to help my kids deal with their unspoken disappointment. to help them deal with not going to school or hanging out with friends.  or going to church and having our house filled with friends. it has been in praying for them that I have been able to process how I feel.

because as a mom I pray they understand why its for their good. I pray they feel safe inside our home. I pray they know that those days of going to school and playing outside with friends will one day return. I pray they take all the precautions like take their vitamins, wash their hands and keep their distance when we go outside for walks or not hug dad as soon as he comes in the door but instead wait til he has changed and showered. There is a lot that has changed in a lot of peoples lives and it feels like such a dark time has set in.

darkness- another one of my pet peeves. I love the SUN- and all the light it brings. I prefer to have all windows and blinds open so we can have all the natural light we can get and my kids get in trouble if they turn on lights during the day. So having everything change immediately feels like this darkness has set it. No church gatherings, no couples group, no school, no hanging outside the house, no planning or shopping, no certainty..... no end in sight.

As I drove to work the other day before we were shut down, I drove in my regular 530am darkness except there were no cars around. and as I looked to my right the school bus that is always on the side of the road waiting for his route to begin was not there; I found myself crying. Crying that the bus wasn't there; I missed everything being "normal".  It was right there in my car I realized that NORMAL is always normal until it isn't. and once it changes, you never knew that would be your last time seeing everything be normal. That Friday I picked my kids up in the car line, I didn't realize it may be the last time this school year that may have happened. There we were signing up Emeli for an afterschool club, picking our fast passes for the rides and looking for Air & B's for our trip to Chicago to celebrate our friend's Moody graduation. We were just planning our couples group to go celebrate our friend's Fire Academy graduation, getting super excited about Manny's spring soccer season, his last one with dad as his coach in this league. until all of a sudden, everything changed.

I remember laughing in my cartoon mind as the president addressed the nation and said we are all in this together. And as I broke out into High school musical tunes, I told my kids that is true. we are in this together. we are going through it together because usually I can relate and tell them about the times this happened when I was growing up too, except this time. I have no experience. I have never seen the country shut down. I have never seen people scared to go outside. I have never had to stay away from my grandparents before. I had never seen our everyday life so drastically changed in just a few short days- and I have never felt everything I am feeling.

See the thing about my faith journey is God has always reminded me of the dark pits He PULLED me out of. He has always reminded me of the darkest times where it seemed nothing could get better. He reminds me of the dark sin I once was enslaved to and how it hurt me and the people around me. He reminds me of the darkness I once faced when told Emerald may be deported, when we were told Manny would be born with Spina Bifida, or that Emeli was not responding to treatments when she got RSV. We have all had our shares of darkness.

• When I read HIS word and these stories of faith, I know dark times came to EVERYONE. even those men and women of God. Daniel was in the DARK pit with the Lions, and Noah's ark had no windows. Lazarus died as Mary and Martha wept. But we all know God shut the mouth of the lions, that He kept Noah safe from the flood and sent a rainbow as  promise it would never flood again. & though Lazarus died, he came out ALIVE once Jesus arrived. And when Jesus was held as a prisoner to be crucified physical darkness crept in. In the disciples' hearts and all those who loved HIM , and as HE took His final breath- and death came- the VEIL also tore. The veil in the temple that separated everyone from the presence of God. The veil that allowed only the high priest to access God. - see as darkness and doom and gloom set in- God was already tearing down things that kept us from ACCESS to HIM. As Jesus was laid in a dark tomb for 3 days, God was already working on HIS plan to resurrect. To DEFEAT death and to have HIM be the atonement for our sins, the direct access to a relationship with the Father.

I know there are plenty more times in the bible were darkness precedes the victory but these are the ones that come to mind. Because when you are living it, its not a movie or a book you can quickly fast forward and see how it all ends. we cannot see how it all works out or why it even took place. in the moment, we only see the pain and the disappointment we are feeling at the moment. Except as I weep for the things that will not be in this season, As I cry for the those that have lost their income, or celebrations of milestones, or even their health - I am reminded that this is the time God is working. I am reminded that what we see is not all there is. I am reminded that this was no surprise to God. I am certain God still loves us and His plans are still for us. For us to come to HIM- and for us in HIM to grow and not be conformed to this world and all its conveniences and distractions that can so easily be taken away. That He is still in Control. That HE still sits on the throne. And that we are called to live by faith and not by sight.

Though it may feel like its all dark around me, I know what His word says. I know HIS promises remain and its Him I have to HOLD onto. As I think about this darkness that wants to overtake my thoughts, I was comforted by this verse: 2 Samuel 22:29 "You Lord, are my lamp; the Lord turns my darkness into light".

In these times of uncertainty, I know HE remains. I know my hope remains eternal in Him. I know in the suffering HE Comforts. In the pain, He is compassion. In Despair, He is hope. In our weeping, He weeps. In our questioning, He answers. IN our seeking, He is found. In the darkness, He is light.

My friend I am praying for you! - I am praying you know His plan is never to leave you in the dark.

In these times, I encourage you to reach out. Reach out to God, He hears. Reach out to others, stay connected. Reach out, if you need help.

love,
Meli

here is a song that has been keeping me focused on HIS promises:

The Blessing - based on Numbers 6:24-26