Overflow?

I started 2019 in Colorado! Seeing snow for the first time, enjoying friends who became like family. Hopeful for what lay ahead. Optimistic at the word that would describe my year: overflowing!

I welcomed my thirties surrounded by love and my husband throwing me the greatest surprise party yet. and though I don't mean to sound like some ungrateful brat that complains and whines, looking back at almost half a year now I cannot seem to find this "overflow" of joy I thought I'd be experiencing. To be honest, its been quite the opposite. That kinda going through the motions- trying to smile at life- hoping no one asks me any questions- type of feeling. And what's even scarier? That up until now, I never knew what that felt like. What's even more puzzling? I didn't even realize I felt this way til a few weeks ago I sat in church and as I prayed about so many things troubling my mind, it came to me. In a song. I started humming- and in my head singing word for word-- to that Randy Newman song better known for being exactly what Woody sings in Toy Story.

"Let me tell you about the strange things are happening to me

Strange things

Strange things are happening to me...

Ain't no doubt about it"---- and though I am not Woody, I somehow now was able to pinpoint the grief I'd been feeling. I just didn't think that's what it was.

Its taken me sometime to process my thoughts and the feelings of sorrow and sadness that sometimes want to engulf me. It seems as the seasons have changed, I have found myself longing for things to be as they once were.

 I am sad my brother and wife moved 3 hours away and we can no longer be as close as we once were. I can't just tell him to come over for dinner or casually hang out at mom's or even have the kids hang out with the cool uncle.

I am sad our 2 sets of really close friends moved away to other states. And though we can still talk, we cannot double date or have family nights as we used to.

 I am upset my diabetic dog died at 12 years old and that I have had to watch my kids go through real sadness in dealing with loss.

I was hurt and betrayed by someone I once considered a friend and found out so many lies and hurtful words had been spoken against me.

 I am somewhat relieved we no longer serve in the kids ministry where we committed 4 years of Saturday nights and instead have found that we love co-leading Premarital & serving in Redemption classes - yet I find myself missing the community, the kids, the parents, and feeling like we belong.

I started experiencing symptoms a few months ago, and though I am thankful so far everything is pretty normal, I am starting to wonder if this is the new normal and am missing what health felt like before the pain started.

I  am also so beyond amazed at the fact God opened an opportunity for me to be promoted to Front office coordinator yet still trying to drown out the voices that tell me I am not capable or able to handle it.

And the list can go on! And I almost thought that perhaps if I listed all the good and the things I am grateful for that it would help me see how ungrateful I am and how joyful I really should be. But sorrow and suffering doesn't always work like that.

Sometimes we are just in a desert season. In a season of pruning, in a valley. And all that gets us through is the promise of Victory in Jesus and the mountain tops we once experienced.

I am learning that the Lord would have it be no coincidence to have us join a bible study at the moment called "The Explicit Gospel" and being reminded daily what the Good News of Jesus really is. The Gospel shows me who I am. A sinner, deeply flawed, breaking the law; deserving of nothing- desperately needing a savior. The Gospel presents me the Savior: Jesus, the one and only perfect son that fulfilled the law- that took my place, my punishment, and DeFeated DEATH - so that I may live in Him.

And the more I contemplate on the Gospel, the more I am convinced its ok to bring him my feelings, my thoughts, my blues, even if I cannot quite pinpoint whats stealing my zest. This all draws me closer to Him. It all brings me to the realization that without Christ, I got nothing. That its His love and what He did already that gets me through even the moments that I feel inadequate, alone, or stressed. That He understands my suffering - and I do not have to feel guilt about feeling this way in comparision to others suffering.

When I put all these thoughts into words I can barely utter as I pray when I awake in my bed or when I close my eyes to fall asleep, I find comfort in knowing He cares. And that He can handle all my doubts, all my fears, all my sorrows. He is aquainted with my grief. (Isaiah 53:3)

I love how He just takes it and reminds me I am loved by Him. That He is Good. And that on this side of eternity, pain and struggles are temporary.--- that its in these seasons of blah- that He is working. Stripping me of distractions, self knowledge or even comforts that keep me from coming to Him in Humility. Cause If I had it all figured out and felt whole on my own- where would.my need for Him be?

Its in this tunnel, cause I see the light behind me, and KNOW it will shine once again ahead of me, that I am left to cling wholly to Him. And to surrender all that I am continously before Him so that He could continue to refine me and mold me more to His Image.

Perhaps the Overflow was not this raining of tangible blessings that would be so obvious, but instead an overflow of HIS love and comfort where I feel weary and tired.

A reminder that the greatest overflow was already the LOVE that got Him to that cross to die for ME.

That the overflow was of HIS righteousness to cover Me so that I may come to the Father-

That  the OVERFLOW will always be His PRESENCE accessible to me anywhere!

As I finish this, I am on a little family vacation and I am praying He just takes the defibrillator straight to my heart and jolts me with new vision, new plans, new strength. 

But even if He doesn't, I know He sees me. And that should be more than enough. He is sufficient for me. 

If you are in a state of confusion, feeling sad, or let down, it will not last always. I encourage you to be Real. To be transparent. To hand all your burdens to Him. He can handle it. And its in Him, you will be comforted, your strength will be renewed and you will find the hope you need! He is always using our circumstances to show us He is Our All in All.  

Love,

Meli

Me, thinking of the verses below:

2 Corinthians 4:8-18 
8 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;10 always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. 11 For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.12 So death is at work in us, but life in you.13 Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak, 14 knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence.15 For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self[a] is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.