M.I.A. #6: Conflicts & Cheating

         I know conflict and cheating! Ooohhh controversial title for a post entitled Marriage is Awesome. My marriage is awesome! But I'd be lying to you if I said we are conflict free. Or that we are so perfect cheating is something we are completely exempt from. So to clear up misconceptions if you're a newly wed, engaged or contemplating marriage, don't look forward to a conflict free happily ever after kind of marriage. Instead be prepared and take some pointers from someone who thought each conflict was the end of her marriage. And as for cheating, its a temptation you may have to deal with as a married man or woman but there's so much you can do to prevent it.

Broken doors, holes in walls, driving out in the middle of the night. Yup. Anger. Conflict. Disagreements. Marriage is not always awesome. And as two immature teenagers who have basically figured everything out as we went along, things weren't always hearts and clouds. It was rough. My selfishness combined with his ego.... The culture clashes, my lack of English (yes believe it or not, I say all types of things wrong), his lack of patience, my need for attention, him not knowing how to show emotion; all these things were a recipe for disaster. Sure we loved each other but we didn't know so much of each other that we loved would also be like a Brillo pad rubbing against each other in an abrasive annoying kind of way. Living together we were having to deal with our sleeping habits, sharing a bathroom, sharing chores, or household responsibilities. Coming up with budgets, grocery lists, furnishing the house, dealing with one car and two jobs! The list could go on. We didn't always speak to each other with kindness and love or even respect. I think looking back, I didnt always see him as my man, my teammate, or my other Half. Instead I was into myself, my needs, my feelings and always felt stressed about all the pressures we faced as a broke young couple. I didn't resent him but I did lash out on him filled in my own world of crankiness, stress and even angry feelings when I felt he wasn't meeting my needs. Not realizing what I was doing was pushing him away. Despite me wanting more of his attention or support, my attitudes were instead making him distance himself and disconnect. Creating a never ending chain of events. Eventually something as stupid as forgetting to feed the dog would turn into an all out yelling match. I'd be in tears, he'd be angry and we would say hurtful things. Yea I'm sure someone can relate.   

 

Fast forward a couple years later, and we still have conflicts. Longer hours at work, balancing the family life, the school volunteering, serving at church, the kids who need all our love and attention.... and still trying to find time to unwind, communicate, and de-stress. Except now, we have Jesus, His biblical definition of love and the tools we need to resolve conflict in a loving manner. We now know to not look at each other as the enemy, but instead to value each other as our teammate, and other half both working for the same goals. We have actually sat down and made lists of goals or visions for our family. We know what the plans are whether a particular family vacation or tackling a credit card or a savings plan... we establish it, communicate it, and come up with ways WE can reach it. We consistently look at each other as WE and not I. I usually am the one who runs our budget and sets up  bills to be paid. The other day for example, it seems a payment slipped my mind. And I was so encouraged when my husband instead of being upset at my forgetfulness, stepped up and told me he understands how much I handle and that he would help me with our finances so I am not overwhelmed. We communicate. Apart from the boundaries I've discussed before, we are more open to telling each other how we feel, or what we need from one another. Yes he is my best friend, but he is not a mind reader. And my idea of love is something completely different than what he may show so we have learned to deal with this conflict by knowing each other's love language and speaking it. We both have learned to deal with conflict by learning God's design for marriage and the different roles as husband and wife. I look at him as the leader of our house, of our family. I respect him. I encourage him and I push him. We make decisions together for the sake of our family. The team comes first. And as a wife, he knows to love me and give me the love and attention, and protection my heart desires. Most importantly thanks to having Christ reign in our lives, He has shown us the true definition of LOVE being patient, kind, selfless and not keeping records of wrongs. We have also learned the major key role praying for one another plays. Once we remember to see each other as a child of God, we are better equipped to love each other. Best thing I heard was God is not only your father, but also your father in law! Imagine that!- and as sinners in need of grace we can always know to pray for each other's shortcomings, temptations, and to become the person God is molding us to be.

 

Now why would I put conflict and cheating in the same post? Because I have love for cheaters! I know being what I once was that cheaters are not the scum of the earth, and that most don't do it because they don't love the other person or because they want to hurt people intentionally. I think most cheaters are hurt people who unintentionally hurt those they love. I view adultery as any sin, as a disconnection from God, and not having found that love that satisfies and fulfills like only God's love can. It is so easy to think people who cheat are heartless, and don't really love their spouse or significant other. but the desire to cheat is much more deeper rooted in ourselves... our lack of love for God and others as God intended and the lust of our flesh that we tend to feed. Conflict arises from disconnect, from not feeling loved, from feeling stressed etc,,etc, and when that begins to happen so does the need to get that attention, love, or distressing somewhere else. Its a very slippery slope. That's why I have written about  the boundaries... Cheating is not always a physical affair. It can be anything from finding a friendship and support with someone outside of your marriage, keeping secrets, putting other things first (yes things, people, job, hobbies, even our own children. When we don't properly handle conflict and resort to withdrawal and isolation its very easy to fall into the trap of adultery even when you're not looking for it. One of the ways this may happen is by resorting to a friend of the opposite sex for a way to vent about your spouse, or just finding refuge in a friendship whether by text, calling or at work. You may start telling this person more than you need to, and finding it as a great distraction from conflicts or stress at home. You may feel you don't get enough appreciation or compliments at home and find yourself looking for this elsewhere. You may not have that intention but it doesn't always come at you boldly like a bottle labeled poison. Be sure to keep communication open! Tell each other about the people you meet, the type of conversations you have in the workplace etc. set up boundaries! But most of all, don't let conflict go unresolved! If something is lacking, missing, or a need is going unfulfilled talk to your spouse. Don't go to bed angry!-- and definitely think about all you have to lose. All the love, all the good times and memories that you have built. Remember an affair can be anything you keep from your spouse....or put above them. Spending, trying to work all the time to avoid being home, or putting friendships above your spouse.


Marriage is awesome. We have been through the good, the bad, the ugly. I didnt always know the importance of resolving conflict and not just running from it. Once my feelings were hurt, I'd withdraw. But through the hardest conversations, the tears, and all the conflicts, they have produced the greatest amount of change. We were like Brillo pads abrasively rubbing each other, but they have polished us and through the fire we have been refined. I was very naive before thinking there was nothing wrong between friendships of the opposite sex or going to sleep mad, but its been through experiences that God has shown us His wisdom and how nothing, Nothing, should come between your spouse and you!

 It is through your marriage relationship that you get to experience love as God intends. As His love as the groom, for the church His bride. You don't have to try to figure it out alone as we did. He has a handbook, instructions on how to take care of it. How to grow it and continue to mature in it daily as the commitment you made. He uses it to kill our selfishness, our lusts, passions, desires. And from that marriage, He can bless you with children. The family is important! Be wise, be loving, resolve conflicts, guard your heart, your eyes, your steps.....

Today I encourage you to love your spouse. Remember they are not the enemy! Set up an open communication plan, accountability measures. Pray together. Study His word together. And if you can find a couple that both of you look up to and can learn from, use them as mentors. Ask questions. Be open to continue learning and changing always putting your spouse and unity first!

love, Meli

He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself. Proverbs 6:32   

    

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4