Note: I am a 26 year old woman who has been with my husband for 11 years and married 10. I am writing this in response to a column entitled "5 reasons we can't handle marriage anymore". I think marriage is one of the greatest relationships we can experience and wanted to paint a picture to the other side of the story.
Marriages today can still work.
The million dollar question? How?
Its a pretty simple concept- you choose to love, to commit and share your life together. Our great grandparents and grandparents did it. and for many of us so did our parents.
How can we?
Many of you will ask what me gives me the right to share my opinion.
I've been married myself. And I'm only one of the many people today who have succeeded at marriage. And while some of us have decided to persevere at marriage for better or worse, others have chosen divorce and convinced themselves they're better off.
These same people, though, are quick to point the finger at others for speaking up.
I've spent the past 10 years trying to understand how to make marriage work and thrive. Back when I met my husband in 2003, things were just so different. Social media had yet to explode. I had this desire to ask him about his day not because I didn't know, but because he was interesting.
Texting was just starting to make its way into mainstream society and it still cost 10 cents per text, but he still cared enough to keep in touch using his money from his job at the fast food restaurant.
If he wanted to see me outside of school, he had to depend on his dad, siblings, or my mother to bring him to my house. Or he would spend his hard earned money paying a friend or a taxi. Everything was Hard.
Today, everything is still difficult.
Looking back nearly 11 years, I began to wonder how things were also difficult for the older generations.
More importantly, I wonder how I can teach my children to expect marriage to be hard work in a society that believes everything should be easy and instant.
Our generation is being taught that we aren't equipped to handle marriages — but fear of failure from others divorce stories shouldn't scare you. We can still handle marriages and here's why:
1) Sex should be an essential
Sex was made for marriage. It was made to connect two people in a way they become one. It is not only pleasurable but it also connects a husband and wife in love.
I do believe a lot of couples neglect this part of the relationship. One is because society is over saturated by it, and woman are replacing sex with their husbands with erotic novels and men are more into porn then ever before by having access even on their mobile devices.
Its also something our generation is being told that we don't have to wait for marriage for. We are having more than one partner, and not seeing it as something new and exciting when we do reach marriage.
I believe the reason he says its almost non-existent in marriage is because husbands and wives are not being taught to pursue intimacy daily to create a better sex life.
There is something that should make your hair stand up when touching, kissing and feeling your spouse.
I am baffled by couples who think having sex will fix everything. Or that its just a pleasurable act that starts in the bedroom. Sex in marriage starts with intimacy. Getting to know the person on a deeper level. Pursuing your spouse romantically throughout your days, will create a deeper connection and desire to have sex more often. Its connecting with your spouse in a way only they should know you.
Yes everywhere you look there will be pictures of men and women half naked. You can scroll through your Facebook feed or stroll through your local mall to find this, but its something you need to guard. Guarding our eyes, our bond with people of the opposite sex and setting boundaries for ourselves out of respect and love for our spouse will bring us closer together. Knowing their heart, pursuing them in little things such as doing laundry, cooking, laughing, praying, studying etc....will make them more desirable to you.
Your attraction to their heart, to who they are will make you feel a connection beyond a physical level and you'll maintain a sexual attraction so pure.
Yes everywhere you look there will be pictures of men and women half naked. You can scroll through your Facebook feed or stroll through your local mall to find this, but its something you need to guard. Guarding our eyes, our bond with people of the opposite sex and setting boundaries for ourselves out of respect and love for our spouse will bring us closer together. Knowing their heart, pursuing them in little things such as doing laundry, cooking, laughing, praying, studying etc....will make them more desirable to you.
Your attraction to their heart, to who they are will make you feel a connection beyond a physical level and you'll maintain a sexual attraction so pure.
2) Finances have always been a problem
Years ago, it didn't cost upward of $200,000 for an education. It also didn't cost $300,000-plus for a home. Regardless of inflation and the cost of living being different, finances have always been on top of the list when it comes to reasons to for divorce.
You'd be naive to believe that the marriage today that work are those with a comfortable amount of money. If this was the case, every marriage in Hollywood would be together.
We do live in an age where both men and women, myself included are working to run a household and have kids. Before, men went out while women were the stay at home moms. I believe they were both under, if not more stress than now. The husband used to have the burden of being the sole provider to pay the bills, while the woman faced pressures of maintaining her house and raising the kids.
Being married as teenagers, the financial responsibilities, setbacks, and debts that we have faced, could have caused separation between us. However, we made it our goal to work on it together, build life and overcome.
It has been extremely difficult to pay all the bills, living expenses and take care of two kids. But we have made the best of it and view having a house, clothing, and food, just the basics and each other as living comfortably.
We do live in an age where both men and women, myself included are working to run a household and have kids. Before, men went out while women were the stay at home moms. I believe they were both under, if not more stress than now. The husband used to have the burden of being the sole provider to pay the bills, while the woman faced pressures of maintaining her house and raising the kids.
Being married as teenagers, the financial responsibilities, setbacks, and debts that we have faced, could have caused separation between us. However, we made it our goal to work on it together, build life and overcome.
It has been extremely difficult to pay all the bills, living expenses and take care of two kids. But we have made the best of it and view having a house, clothing, and food, just the basics and each other as living comfortably.
Money may be tight but it hasn't kept us from being able to live life. We have enjoyed our youth and made trade offs or worked hard when we needed to. My husband has had 2 jobs. I have cut out coupons, or we have taken clothes donations for the kids, I have sold Avon on the side for extra income. But we have always been able to budget and prioritize to have a date night even if that means dropping of kids at babysitter's and staying home. Or making our anniversary gift to each other, a night out instead of a gift. Vacations? Not necessary. But even then a little drive out of town for a day or two doesn't have to break the bank.
We're trying to live the way we think everyone else is living, getting into more debt trying to make it all possible without taking into account we all have different financial situations.
Part of life is being able to enjoy it. Not having the finances doesn't have to keep us from enjoying our relationships. We should be so busy living our life that it shouId keep us from being worried about the the life everyone else is living.
3) We CAN stay more connected than ever before
Let's face it, the last time you "spoke" to the person you love, you didn't even hear their voice..... And what is wrong with that?
In a world that stays so busy with work, school, gym, and the kids extracurricular activities its nice to be able to use the new resources as thoughtful ways to keep on touch.
When we are at work, we may send each other a romantic text to let each other know they're on our mind. When my husband was on a business trip last year, we used Skype to stay connected and have him say good night to our kids.
Sure, these technologies can take the place of true connections but only if you let it. At this point this guy just sounded like he was making excuses for his divorce rather than having reasons why his marriage didn't work.
Speaking should always be the number one way to communicate with our spouse, to express emotion, resolve conflict and show affection but all the technology only hurts if boundaries are not kept and the phone is still out when you're together.
My husband and I use all the technology to our advantage. We share articles, music, pictures.... We pay our bills, order pizza, set up dates and keep our calendars synced with appointments but we are committed to putting it away for one on one time.
In a world that stays so busy with work, school, gym, and the kids extracurricular activities its nice to be able to use the new resources as thoughtful ways to keep on touch.
When we are at work, we may send each other a romantic text to let each other know they're on our mind. When my husband was on a business trip last year, we used Skype to stay connected and have him say good night to our kids.
Sure, these technologies can take the place of true connections but only if you let it. At this point this guy just sounded like he was making excuses for his divorce rather than having reasons why his marriage didn't work.
Speaking should always be the number one way to communicate with our spouse, to express emotion, resolve conflict and show affection but all the technology only hurts if boundaries are not kept and the phone is still out when you're together.
My husband and I use all the technology to our advantage. We share articles, music, pictures.... We pay our bills, order pizza, set up dates and keep our calendars synced with appointments but we are committed to putting it away for one on one time.
4) True Love beats attention
Even years ago, people would clamor over celebrities like Marilyn Monroe just like they do today over the Kardashians.
It doesn't take much to be a celebrity. You can keep all eyes on you through social media. Selfies, pictures, likes, tweets sure! But what does the accessibility to attention have to do with staying married?
Its the same thing the older generation faced. A pretty woman may have been used to guys hitting on her asking for her number because she was single and out and about with friends. But once she got married, her actions should have changed. She should no longer be in the same place doing the same thing that single people do. Your behavior changes. You stop flirting. You let people know you are married.
Sure we as humans always feel gratification when we are complimented on our appearance or our thoughts whether in person, on the phone or through statuses and comments, but this attention doesn't replace the one on one bond you have with your spouse.
If you still feel a need for attention outside a husband who cherishes you, supports you, encourages you and lets you know how beautiful you are then commitment is the problem not the "attention". Same thing for men and their wives. And its the same way, what you're posting and the attention you're receiving should never make your spouse uncomfortable.
Love is sacred. I do find freedom in not worrying what others think of me as long as I know what my husband thinks and knows of me. No matter what I post, i know none of it matters like the reality of my marriage and family at home.That reality, their love and attention come before anything.
Its the same thing the older generation faced. A pretty woman may have been used to guys hitting on her asking for her number because she was single and out and about with friends. But once she got married, her actions should have changed. She should no longer be in the same place doing the same thing that single people do. Your behavior changes. You stop flirting. You let people know you are married.
Sure we as humans always feel gratification when we are complimented on our appearance or our thoughts whether in person, on the phone or through statuses and comments, but this attention doesn't replace the one on one bond you have with your spouse.
If you still feel a need for attention outside a husband who cherishes you, supports you, encourages you and lets you know how beautiful you are then commitment is the problem not the "attention". Same thing for men and their wives. And its the same way, what you're posting and the attention you're receiving should never make your spouse uncomfortable.
Love is sacred. I do find freedom in not worrying what others think of me as long as I know what my husband thinks and knows of me. No matter what I post, i know none of it matters like the reality of my marriage and family at home.That reality, their love and attention come before anything.
5) Social media can invite people, only if we allow it
Yes, Privacy has been thrown out of the window. But it doesn't mean we have to live our lives this way.
You can still hold on to sacred things and not put it up on the internet for all to see.
I blog. I write, I read. I love memories and photography and scrapbooking all of our family moments. And before I did all this, i was using disposable cameras and paper and pen. Not much has changed.
I understand how easy it is to make things public. But I never do it at the expense of not enjoying the actual moment or against my husband's wishes. I share experiences, learning moments, family accomplishments, testimonies etc, but I have gotten to the point where my husband and I don't mind being transparent in order for others to learn or be encouraged.
There are things however that I do keep private. You know those moments where we are yelling at each other, slamming doors, or budgetting trying to make ends meet, or even our sex life. All that is private! and the fact that social media is here, doesn't mean I can't hold on to that privacy.
As 2 married adults, it is awesome to communicate, brain storm and come together with what is respectable, and appropriate in your relationship.
I understand how easy it is to make things public. But I never do it at the expense of not enjoying the actual moment or against my husband's wishes. I share experiences, learning moments, family accomplishments, testimonies etc, but I have gotten to the point where my husband and I don't mind being transparent in order for others to learn or be encouraged.
There are things however that I do keep private. You know those moments where we are yelling at each other, slamming doors, or budgetting trying to make ends meet, or even our sex life. All that is private! and the fact that social media is here, doesn't mean I can't hold on to that privacy.
As 2 married adults, it is awesome to communicate, brain storm and come together with what is respectable, and appropriate in your relationship.
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Immediately, people will assume that my happy marriage is why I am expressing these emotions; that's not the case. It was this writer's silly excuses and reasoning behind not being able to make a marriage work that inspired me to write just the opposite.
Marriage is sacred. It is the most beautiful commitment and sacrifice you can make to another human being. It is amazing to be able to be 2 people becoming one, and I am fortunate enough to experience it daily.
I hope you never experience divorce. It's painful, and life changing; something nobody should ever feel.
I do fear, however, that the world we live in today is holding on to personal "happiness", changing technology and instant gratification as reasons marriage won't work. Marriage is so much more than can be summed up in a blog and love is something you should put no limits on. You shouldn't be fearful at failing something you've never tried due to some guy who unfortunately ended up divorced.
Marriage does take two people to be equally commited to taking care of each other, protecting, persevering, building up, and forsaking all others. Love is an action that continues to grow daily as you pursue it, but it can also die, wither, and become bitter when communication is not present. I pray that I can continue to grow old with my husband and building life together no matter what we have gone through.
I pray that this generation can look at marriage for what it is and give it a chance when that time does come. I pray when you do get married, you can look at it as a lifetime commitment and not something to quit because of all the reasons he mentions. Instead I hope you pursue it and overcome and in it find that two are better than one ......
Marriage does take two people to be equally commited to taking care of each other, protecting, persevering, building up, and forsaking all others. Love is an action that continues to grow daily as you pursue it, but it can also die, wither, and become bitter when communication is not present. I pray that I can continue to grow old with my husband and building life together no matter what we have gone through.
I pray that this generation can look at marriage for what it is and give it a chance when that time does come. I pray when you do get married, you can look at it as a lifetime commitment and not something to quit because of all the reasons he mentions. Instead I hope you pursue it and overcome and in it find that two are better than one ......
People can agree with me or disagree me.
I'm perfectly OK with that
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