That day in the car something changed. I heard God. I felt His love. I saw His forgiveness. I saw my sin. I saw how far I'd come and how much wrong I had done. I saw that I had made the idea of this perfect love my idol. And now that it failed me and it hadn't been perfect, I was ready to give up. I'd made Emerald my idol, and even in my idea of "love", I hadn't been able to love him wholly and pure. All that love wasn't even able for me to extend my forgiveness to him as he had to me in the past.
That day had to be the day mercy came down and found me right there in my car. I can't quite explain it. It was like I had been given a new set of eyes. I could feel the hurt of betrayal yet I could feel His love fill my heart. I could see the mess I was in, but I could see the pieces He could put back together. I could decide to quit and have that be the end to my dream, but He showed me it could a new beginning. He wasn't only working in me, but He had also started a work in my husband. My husband never had to tell me. I would have never known. Yet he chose to be obedient to what God wanted from him. He knew it wouldn't be easy, he knew things would never be the same, and he faced my rejection and anger. And yet he stayed. He was determined to make us work. Late nights, lots of crying, questions, confessions, screaming, yelling.... Yet he pursued me. God was giving us the chance to save our marriage.
Being good in my own strength had never been the plan God for me. Finding attention and "love" in guys had been a path of destruction. Even in my marriage, I had allowed my husband to become my "everything" and my selfishness sin, lusts,and desires had allowed me to cause hurt to the man I loved most. I had to understand my husband's mistake didn't mean he didn't love me. It just meant he was also so lost in His selfishness and sin that we both were destroying what was most important. God in His grace was going to let this all work out for our good.
I accepted God's second chance. Even in our disobedience God had kept us for one another. It was the hardest thing, the most difficult, physically painful, most stormy time of my life. My mouth and heart said yes. And my mind was telling me to go. Reminding me of lies, broken trust and my broken dream. This was going to require much more than just me holding on.
We both recommitted our life to Christ. God placed it in our hearts that if we were gonna stay He'd need to be the one to keep us together. We had to seek Him before one another. We'd have to pursue Him and know His word. We'd have to place our hearts and marriage in His hands for Him to restore. We both had visions of him making something beautiful out of the broken mess we'd made. And all throughout our son Emmanuel, which means God is with us; was a constant reminder and push to let God piece our family back together again.
Since then, I've seen God work in ways I cant explain. Needless to say, I'd be a fool to tell you I haven't seen God's work. He made it better than it was before. He gave us each a love for each other that consists of putting each other first. A desire for communication where we can spend hours being honest and open of anything including work or anything we do when apart. We rebuilt the trust by being accountable and completely open with our devices, or computer accounts etc. We have realigned our priorities to put our marriage first. Nowadays we are learning that no human relationship is more important than than the one we have in each other. Also, that in marriage we are either in daily pursuit to grow closer together or we are slowly drifting towards isolation. And that outside of God, there is nothing we can do on our own. Including loving each other and being "good" in our own strength. Since then, our family has grown and we welcomed Emeli 3 years ago. We have become homeowners. We have been able to lay out plans, dreams and desires and embark on them together. I know now its a whole new world. And the past doesn't define who we are or where we are headed. Its been a new beginning. Our house, our marriage, our family is now built on Christ alone.
"...unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain." Psalm 127:1
See also part 2: http://theworldaccordingtomeli.blogspot.com/2014/09/my-story-part-2-broken-love.html?m=0
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